The drunken monkeys are everywhere, even in Photoshop Tutorials
You might call me crazy, you might call me a rebel. But believe me, this is true. Drunken monkeys are in more places than you actually think. I considered myself somehow a true researcher with a really open mind, super smart, super handsome, super smart... but this.. this....is a miracle.. I found drunken monkeys in the most unthought place of human kind: Photoshop tutorials!
http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2008/02/13/drunken-monkey-photoshop-tutorial/
Its brilliant!
I wish I thought of that idea first, so had more money here at the lab. Currently we are limiting our posts to save energy. Damn monkeys, they took everything. Watch out. Chaos. Terror. Arrrghhh. Oh, did I just said that?
First monkey ninja has been caught drunken
One of the monkey ninjas that recently broke out of the zoo in a small town called new kandraque was caught about 2mins ago. The monkey (who is pictured) was caught sipping on martini outside a alcohol retailer by three ninja monkey hunters. He put up qute a fight but was cornered and captured after a couple of minutes. There is still at least 5 monkey ninjas left to be captured and authorities say that the public should be on the lookout for them. We´ve noticed that ninja monkeys tend to drink more martinis than
other alcoholic beverages. We see a strong connection between their ninja training and the drinking habbits. Pretty sophisticated says the ARCDM!
Field Research part II - Snowboarding drunken monkeys targetting the winter olympics
After being absent for some days, we returned to the lab with shocking and almost unbelievable news. Long and rigorous research was done in our secret chalet in the middle of the Swiss alps, together with long-stealth-distance observation from the chalet high tower.
Turns out that the team of drunken monkeys is brilliant. They demonstrated not only that they are way more funny than the Swiss team, but that they are able to produce "secret" and "dark" moves while in the air. Is the alcohol the key ingredient in this mysterious behavior?
We interviewed the team leader "Mr. White Balls", that unfortunately couldnt speak a word because of the amount of alcohol in his blood. But we, as a team of innovators and self-teaching team, concluded that his strange movements and the yellow snow in his mouth and body (see previous post) just means that he is truly happy and very professional.
Finally the human beings have a respectful enemy at the winter olympics. Although, the Republic of Congo team is doing great in figure skating. Oh, did I just said that?
Refueling
After a long research period, we´ve discoverd how drunken monkeys get rid of their hang-overs, it´s an event that has never been captured on video, we´re very proud
to share this unique material with you!
Another Perfect Example where drunken monkeys improve the economy
A beer guzzling monkey is among the first to make a beeline for the local liquor shop, so that she can lay her hands on her fix for the day. It started as a joke for some truck drivers, but it has turned into an addiction for this 34 year old primate.
She arrives at the shop on the outskirts of the North American city of Dogville, a right before it opens. She is looking forward to a pint or two from the owner or from any of the amused customers. Locals say that Benno has never failed to visit the beer shop in all these years.
[Michael McCormic, beer shop owner]: "It is a pet. Earlier the drivers visiting the shop used to give beer just for some lighthearted fun but slowly the monkey got addicted to it. She has been drinking beer for the last 20 years. She drinks at least 2-3 bottles everyday. She is roughly 34-year-old and drinks only beer."
New customers love the sight of the monkey's drinking binge. Most of the customers vouch for her calm behavior, saying she really doesn't misbehave, even when she doesn't get a beer. And once she has a drink in her hand, she becomes completely oblivious to the world around her.
[Arthur Vanderbeeken, a customer]: "She can even consume 5-6 bottles a day. She does ask for beer from the customers in her own language. She doesn't bite if beer is not given to her. But if she is teased then she can react."
Monkeys are generally revered in America and many Americans worship them as a form of the monkey-god Hanuman. Devotees often offer fruits and food to the primates.
Interesting!
Once again the advanced research center for drunken monkeys calls out for a new business model combined with beer drinking monkeys. If you want to have a totally
wasted monkey in front of your store, drop us a line and we´ll connect you with the network.
Agression is not related to alcoholism on primates - We swear
Except for the time he ate his son ear, but his lawyer said he thought it was a potato chip (so that doesn't count). Or when he throw himself to the glass wall for an entire week, but we think that he just wanted more affection (since he murdered his 5th wife with an avocado seed).
Long live Mr. Retro-Retard.
Field Observation
For over a decade now, Mr. Biggles has been living on a tree near a beer shop in Nawabganj. Over the years, he has become the local star, as visitors flock to the area to see the monkey drinking beer.
And now, the monkey apparently cannot do without the drink even going to the extent of attacking people.
The owner of the beer shop, Rajesh Singh, admits that Mr. Biggles helped raise his sale figures. People visit the site just to see the monkey drinking beer. ‘‘But now, he has been hitting business as he has injured at least half-a-dozen people in the last few months,’’ he says.
A very intersting example about how drunken monkeys can help small businesses to improve their sales. If we think now of a "global dunken monkey network" there might
be the option of big scale improvement for everyone.
Japanese researcher claims that masturbation in monkeys is hightly addictive
According to one of our research partners in Japan, if you teach monkeys how to masturbate they will continue doing it until they die. This is a whole change in our monkey-masturbation paradigm that we have at the Advance Research Centre for Drunken Monkeys.
If this is true then we will have to re-print all those books we were planning to launch next month, in which we explained that monkeys didnt like to masturbate at all. Or it was yes? Damn this extensive research is making me very confused.
Thank you Japanese team, as always you are in the future.
Nominated to the "best of the best" Scientific blog ever
Today is a very happy day at the Advance Research Centre for Drunken Monkeys. We just found out we got nominated on the Best of the Best Scientific blogs under the category of "Innovative breakthrough".
The judges told me that they were impressed by the time I gave that talk about how drunken monkeys in large quantities may lead to socio-econo-political pressure to 3rd world countries. But to be honest, I think it was from our most confidential discovery: the one about gay drunken monkeys and their attraction to big bazookas.
Drunken Monkey are sexual active
We came to this conclusion after viewing some amateur video material that was given to us from secret sources. If we look careful we can see that even a fully wasted monkey is still in the mood for sexual activities, we´ll investigate further on that topic as this might be a long awaited scientiffic break-through.
Drunken Animals - incredible research of our partner labs in Africa
The follow video explains the process of fruit fermentation in different species stomachs. "Its amazing to discover how animals tend to behave so similar to -very classy- human beings" - Dr. Mungabi said.
At the Advance Research Centre for Drunken Monkeys, we are currently very interested in the hang over status. After many serial studies, we have concluded the most of our surviving subjects tend to behave in a rather chaotic/creative/ way.
One time one of our monkeys thought that a copy machine was a space ship and tried to ride it to outer space. The most incredible part is that he actually did it. Since then, we strongly prohibit the use of copy machines on hang over monkeys.
Thank you to our partner research lab in Africa
Music and sound effects by Moby
Drunken Monkey Style
The Discovery Channel has an article about boozing rhesus macaques. Studies show that their behavior is very similar to human alcohol use. For example, monkeys that live alone drink 2-3 times as much. Some like to end the day by drinking. Lower-ranked monkeys and males drink more. Blood alcohol levels often exceed .o8, and many drink heavily, resulting in vomiting, stumbling around, and falling asleep.
This is typical behaviour as we tested and studied in our serial research lab 76457645 times.
Drunken Monkeys on TV
Drunken Monkey’ adverts on UK TV use infant chimps to ‘promote sensible drinking’. Result: advert pulled after “taking on board all the comments” that is not correct from a scientiffic point of view because it shows the pubic that actually monkeys love to drink an escape reality
Confidential: New discovery on chimpanzees
Dr. Kong and Dr. Monkeypenis, the most distinguished faculty of the the Advance Research Centre for Drunken Monkeys declared today that alcohol indeed, makes chimpanzees very drunk and crazy.
They discovered it after doing some super serial research.
This is huge step for science.
